If you’ve been watching this site, you’ve noticed that I don’t update it as frequently anymore. It’s about time for an update. Strap yourself in.
I found a fancy watch, a little too late. It is a Raymond Weil Tango. My internet research revealed that this was about a $900 watch, before it was run over and left in an alley. I could not find a price for after being run over and left in an alley.
It actually held up to the abuse quite well. The body of the watch is in good shape—a bit chewed up on the back edge. The strap took took the brunt of the damage. The date is off by a day, so it is likely that some sort of time travel occurred.
I might replace the strap and improve my punctuality.
Erotic adventure or crime fighting gone awry—I couldn’t tell. But this handcuff landed at my feet as a half-naked guy ran past me like the wind blows. Another guy in an impressive police costume was in hot pursuit. Neither one was letting up. One of them kept yelling “freeze”, which must have been their safe word.
As the half-naked guy ran through a parking lot, two police cars squealed to a halt and four other people in police costumes jumped out, tackled the guy, and put a new set of cuffs on him. They then did a bunch of paperwork and put him in the back of one of the cars.
Come to think of it, those were probably actual police officers and a perp.
I was walking home and found this BMX wheel in a patch of grass. This was very convenient, since I was tired of walking. I hopped on and rolled home. Once I got home, I noticed that the wheel has a dent and rolls about as straight as an Oopee ball. It will need some work.
I think I will build an unbike with it.
There are about 5,000 to 6,500 quills on the average hedgehog. There are somewhere between 100 and 10,000 on this one but it is dead. Actually, it’s not dead but had a close brush with death. Not really a brush with death but it is a brush. I’m not sure if it was ever a living hedgehog. Possibly not. No, it is actually just a brush only inspired by the hedgehog. I found it sleeping on a sidewalk.
One thing that I love about modern society is that found money is a gift.
As I walked past an ATM, I noticed that one of these gifts was awaiting pickup from the bills tray. I pretended two use the ATM and took the gifted $20 with me. In and out like a twenty-dollars-richer James Bond.
One day, I may lose $20 of my own. Perhaps then karma will balance itself.
Found money tally: $77.50
Another lousy tip, another fight with a cook, another aching heel blister—whatever was the last straw, Ricki had enough. She tore off her waist apron, threw it to the ground and shouted an expletive-laden resignation to her unsurprised coworkers.
Enraged yet invigorated, she bee-lined for the front doors, threw them open and stepped onto the parking lot asphalt as a free woman. In one fluid motion, she pulled off her name tag, threw it to the ground and jumped into a black ’89 Iroc-Z. The engine roared, the tires squealed and the last we ever saw of Ricki was her finger salute from the passenger window.
Don’t go, Ricki. Not like this.
It’s been quite a while since I posted. I maxed out my bandwidth and couldn’t afford more. Luckily, I found this $20, which promptly went towards bandwidth costs.
My found money tally now sits at $57.50, which makes me the highest-earning blogger on the internet. Perez who?
I was mad when I got hit by an SUV on my walk to work (on two occasions). I would have lost my mind if my means of conveyance were a wheelchair and it fell apart on me.
I think the owner would have noticed losing 1/6 of his/her wheelchair. What likely followed was an infuriated person throwing 5/6 of the wheelchair into the river below. Then the hailing of a cab.
I seem to find a lot of cell phones and cell phone parts. This subscriber identification module was without a phone near it. When I hold it to my ear, I can actually hear the ocean. Or that might be tinnitus. I can also eavesdrop on calls, which is a lie.
This was lying on a sidewalk after having been looted, or dropped by a kid with a 5-cent candy habit. The only thing left was three expired transit passes, a YMCA membership card, and many school photos of the wallet’s owner.
In the modern day lost & found world, you can let someone know through Facebook that you found his wallet. Then he sends you many a confused reply accompanied by a Friend Request. The most entertaining part of the exchange was when Eskebar* asked me to meet him at a gas station at 3:10pm.
It turns out that Eskebar’s school is only a few blocks from where I found the wallet. The next morning, I delivered the wallet to Eskebar’s principal, who is one of the nicest people I have ever encountered. The Vice Principal who was monitoring the entrance was also nice; however, she let me walk right into the school without much question. I could have been any maniac with bad intentions.
*name has not been changed to protect Eskebar’s identity