Shaw Cable cheat sheet

John C. of Shaw Cable misplaced his dirty cheat sheet. The premise here is pretty simple: convince whoever answers the door that Telus is garbage (not a hard argument to make), that infrastructure improvements have been made in whatever area the conversation is happening in, and that whatever neighbours in the area have already switched to Shaw. Sprinkle in some casual language and sloppy English—and you have yourself a Shaw sales pitch!

John’s highlighting key is also quite useful: yellow = words, green (highlighted in pink) = body language, and pink seems to be reserved for future use.

I’m already with Shaw, so John C. would have been well-prepared to apologize for taking up my time then wish me a nice day. Thanks, John. Same to you.

Three-way love poem

The relationship that is shared between Kelly, Mike, and Jackie is a complicated one. Kelly couldn’t make it to the river on this night. Too bad because there was some extreme lucidity going on.

Mike & Jackie were so glad they took their yellow construction paper and red marker with them; you never know when inspiration will come. The star shine so bright.

British soft-core porn

It’s not often that I find the work of the great Cayrol Stevens lying on the ground. Some days, I feel pretty lucky.

This is a page from the British soft-core porn magazine Mayfair. Judging from the hairstyles, I’d place it from the early 90s. Also judging from the hairstyles, I’d guess it’s as difficult to find a good hair clipper as it is to find a good dentist in Britain. I’ve censored these areas.

This one’s going in my British soft-core porn scrapbook.

A guy’s wallet

I found a guy’s wallet next to a curb. Inside the wallet, was everything but his SIN card, birth certificate, and kitchen sink. I found those later.

Cheques inside had his phone number printed on them, so I left a message on his jazz music themed voice mail. It turns out that he didn’t realize he had lost his wallet until he got my spoken word themed message.

I left this site’s URL on a little piece of paper inside (hi, Sean).

Drugs

I don’t know much about drugs. I don’t know the difference between an 8-ball, an ounce, a dimebag, or a blue waffle. I have no idea what kind of drugs these are. They smell a bit like alfalfa.

After taking them, I went to a movie with a friend. It was a craaaaazy night. The trouble is that now I’m jonesing for a hit but don’t know what of.

Bad movie case

There is a horrible trend going on right now. That horrible trend is vampire fanfare. The worst part of this horrible trend is stupid books and movies featuring brooding teens with sleepy facial expressions.

Finding this movie case made my skin crawl, not because I picked it up off the ground but because it is for one of these trendy, stupid movies about unoriginal, angst filled, teenage vampires. I fear that the owner was just so excited to watch the movie that the case was thrown aside as the DVD was thrown into the nearest DVD player. But I hope that it was a gift from a clueless soul and that the DVD was disposed of somewhere else.

Dirty panda bear

The panda bear is best known for getting frightened by a baby panda’s sneeze, and for taking its frustration out on a tree branch. What most people don’t know is that the panda’s diet is 99% bamboo, which is amazing.

I have never cuddled a real panda bear but would love to. I cuddled this one; a little dirt doesn’t bother me.

Checklist for new house

This new house owner had seven things to take care of and managed to get the most frustrating one out of the way before losing the list. The rest of the items are pretty simple and were probably remembered later.

And check out that last list item as a reward for finishing the list. I can’t think of a better way to be welcomed into a new house.